Hating God, Holding Faith: Wrestling with God’s Silence

When God’s silence hits, unanswered prayers fuel anger, doubt, even hatred. I’ve felt it—screaming at a silent God.

 In “Hating God, Holding Faith,” we dive into the raw struggle of wrestling with faith in pain’s darkest moments. From Jesus sleeping through the storm to my own battles, we uncover the Bible’s truth on navigating these emotions.

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[01:25] Doubting God's Help: The Silence of God
[04:30] Screaming at a Silent God
[08:15] How did the disciples respond to God's silence
[12:45] What about Job's wife? Two mindsets when grieving
[14:25] How to respond when God is silent?

Transcript

0:02

Have you ever hated God? I'm talking about actually hated him or been extremely angry at him, but in a weird way, you still loved them. I know that that is borderline sacrilegious. I, I know it's, it's something you just, you don't hear people say the words I hate God because you might be followed up with a lightning bolt from the sky. That's, that kills you instantly. You know, that's, that's the fear. That's the thing. But I want to be real. Have you ever felt like God was silent when you're screaming the loudest for help? I mean, you can laugh all day long. You can make fun of me, but that's a real thing. Every one of us goes through situations where our life is falling apart. We feel like he's asleep in the biggest storm of our life. He's absent when I just. The entire world in front of us is falling apart. You can be real. You've been there. I know I've been there. Just felt angry, betrayed. I mean, even I found myself at a point where I was even hating God. You might ask, how do you get here? Is there a reason for it? Does he just don't care? You know, about 5-4 or five years ago, my dad, he got real, real sick. And at the time I, I was praying and praying, fasting. I, I was doing anything that Bible said to do to, for my dad to receive a miracle. I didn't want to lose my dad. He's my hero. But he died. He, he was, God was silent. He did not help the situation at hand. You know, I got through that and it took me a little while, but I started to understood that my dad lived a long, hard life. You know, he, he did not treat that old body well. He, I love him. He goes down in my history books as a good man, a great man, but I'd be a fool to think that he was a health nut and just took care of himself throughout all the years. His body he was just wore out. So I could I blame God. No, can't blame God for that. No, there's there's scars to our sin. I heard my pastor preach that one time and it hope it's a beautiful message. But you know, also the last, last year was probably the hardest time I've ever been through in my entire life. Within 45 days of each other, I lost roughly 45 somewhere in that time frame. I don't know, I'm not a mathematician. I lost my grandfather, my great grandmother and my mom. During this time, other little incidents were occurring. I mean, it just everything was should if it could go wrong by God, it was. And I felt so betrayed by God. I felt like I was his personal punching bag. I mean, let's be real here. You ever felt that way? You ever felt like you, you just, you just can't get a break. If it's not one thing, it's another. That mentality. And of course you've got good hearted Christians, good hearted people. It's just telling you that keep on pushing through. Keep on the hold, the hold the fight. God's with you. And don't get me wrong, He is, He is there, but you don't see it at the time. Promise you that during those that those traumatic 2 months time frame, I, I was, I was trying to live right. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I, I, I thought I was in a good place. So why would God be punishing me? At least that's what it felt like. I remember one time even finding myself at an altar at church alone one night. It was midnight, I think on the Saturday and I just drove to the church. I was just so overwhelmed with the with emotion and I went in to pray. I'm all by myself. It's dark in there and I'm just talking to God and I just, I just stopped. Just anger just consumed me and I just look up and I'm like God, if you really cared then where the F are you? Of course I I said the actual word. I'm not going to say it right now because I actually try not to cuss, but at that time full of emotion, full of anger, full of betrayal. I was so past upset with God it but I still loved him. Hear me, hear me now if he was the God of the Old Testament that you read about and even a couple cases in the New Testament, you'll find as soon as I said that there should have been a lightning bolt from have having an ice cream truck an AK-40 said I don't know something should have struck me dead on the spot for saying that I was angry at God. I borderline hated him. I may even found hatred during the time and these feelings festered for months and months and months. And The thing is, even though I felt that way, I I still love them. I felt guilty for feeling that way. I ran from God for about a year. At any time people mention him, his goodness or anything like that. I got annoyed and then in the back of my mind I was annoyed with myself for being annoyed at that. But I never quit because I knew I wanted it. I did not want to go back to my old self. I seen the person I was seven years ago versus today versus last year, three years ago, different mentally, spiritually, emotionally, the way I talk, the things I'm involved with. I I just not the same person and it's not me. Promise you it's not me. It's God. Now don't let me try to paint it. I'm a perfect St. from to you cuz we tell you lots of mistakes, lots of screw ups, dabbered with a lot of things I should have left alone. That ain't real Christ like, but didn't stay there. But what I'm trying to say is I found myself angry and hating God now in the South that like I I just got to say is that's such a taboo phrase to say. You tell someone you find yourself a hating God and they'll they'll give you that look and they should. You shouldn't hate God. You can have the emotion of it, but you better not have the mindset of it. That's two different things. That's why they say don't act on your feelings. But I even in my feelings of hatred and anger towards God, I still loved them. It's kind of like the best of the best analogy I can give you is you ever get in trouble as a kid, your parents spanked you or grounded you did something, you got discipline and you just, he was so angry, especially if it was something you didn't even do. They just didn't, they didn't believe you for some reason. And you you would get so angry. You might even borderline hate them for what they did to you, but you still love them, still respect them. Think, think most of us can say we've been that kid before and that's that's where I found myself. So again, don't act like I'm different than anyone else. Have you ever yelled at God in your heart? I mean it's OK to admit it. I have to wonder what even the people that walked with Jesus did in some cases. I know first story that comes to mind was when the disciples and Jesus were on the we're on the Sea of Galilee and a violent storm came. You got to understand that all these disciples were experiencing fishermen, experienced fishermen. Sorry, I need a bye bye can't talk right. But when the storm came, they, they begin to panic. Now, if they were fishermen, yeah, hear me out. This ain't the first time they've been out to sea. This is they are experienced. They've been here plenty of times. They've faced plenty of storms before. But it was this bad that all these fishermen were panicking. That's what that's what the Bible tells. They were in a panic. And where's Jesus during this panic? And I keep clapping my hands. I don't know if I'm just trying to get your point or if I'm just my dyslexia talking. Don't get offended, I'm just joking. But I took Tylenol a lot. My mother did. But where was Jesus during the storm? He was sleeping like a baby. Now I need that kind of piece of my life when that the world's falling apart and I'm just sound asleep. But he, he was asleep, not there to help. Help the sailors, disciples, the fishermen. He was asleep. Yet they needed him the most, right? Then where was he? The other story that comes to mind is the story of Lazarus. We always hear the story of Lazarus as a as a miracle. I've got to quit doing that. But we always hear the story of Lazarus as a miracle of he was raised from the dead. But let me offer a a different perspective on it. I'm trying to take away. It's a great story. You raised from the dead. It's awesome. But John 11/3, it tells us that when Lazarus was getting sick, his two sisters sent a message to Jesus. Jesus was in another town and the message said Lord your dear friend is very sick. The problem with that is, is that although he loved his friend he decided not to go and rescue him. He was as you would say silent in his dear friends time of need. I don't know about y'all, but if my best friend called me today or text me today and and said one of his close relatives that he dearly cares about is very sick and he's upset or if he needed anything at all. I'm dropping what I'm doing right then and going to him going to be there for him because that's what dear friends do. Look it up. John 11/3 and it goes on. Jesus waits days before he goes, goes to find him and his martyr walks up to Jesus and said, we always read it like, Lord, if you have been here, my brother would have not have died. That's how we read that Scripture. But if you have to think about it, it was more like, God. If you had only been here, if you would have been here, my brother wouldn't be dead right now. Where were you? I've been in that emotional state. When you are crying, the louds, it's like God is being the most silent. That silent leads to anger. It can lead to feeling betrayal. Betrayal leads to hatred. Hating God leads to numbness. These are real human feelings that we all face. How do you navigate that though? How do you navigate that pain? Everyone. Everyone I know loves to use the story of Job for a bad situation. It's honestly so cliche. I don't mean to talk bad about anyone. It's a great story, love it. But there's more to that story that no one really focuses on. What about Job's wife? You know, it's Sarah. We talk about how Joe lost his house, his kids, his wealth. I mean everything he got sick, everything. He lost everything, but so did his wife. You don't think that his wife loved her kids, his kids? Do you not think his wife loved the having money to eat and buy things and do things? You know, the story of Joe paints 2 realistic mindsets for when tragedy hits. Joe goes on as he's being condemned by his wife and he says things something like, must I only accept the good things? I mean, if God's good, I mean, I can't just be angry at the bad times. God's still good during the bad times. And that is a powerful mindset. The other mindset was the mindset of Joe's wife where he was like, or she was just like, why don't you just curse God and die? She's she's her fate has dwindled, still believes, still believes there is a God because she said curse God and die. So she hasn't lost the faith. There is a God in the heavens. She's just angry, full of hate probably. I've been there. One mindset, the mindset of the job is the goal. That's what you want to reach for. But you have the mindset of Joe's wife and you hold that faith until you get to the mindset of Job. Now Joe's wife may have had the wrong mindset, but the story shows that she receives all the blessings back that Joe did. She held her faith. Even through her intense emotions and anger with God, she holds it. That is a powerful, powerful testament that shows true human nature that I can be angry at God, I can be mad at God, but I'm going to sit there and and trust Him, hold, hold true to my faith. Even what little bit is left. I know I've been in a place where I didn't believe much at all except he existed. I didn't believe he was going to save me. I didn't believe he was going to take this pain away. All I knew that he was up there in the sky, but he sure didn't care to listen to me. Poor a little me. That's what I believed. But even just having that has some fate. The thing is, is that you can't stay there. You have to start shifting your mind. Galatians, I mean, not Galatians. Revelations 3 is probably the the best example of what you have to do when you find yourself in these intense emotions and Galatians chapter 3. It's a message to a church who has lost their faith. Go read it Start at verse one and they were but it says they were still trying to live righteously. They were their bodies were alive, but their their spirits were dead on the outside doing works living day-to-day life. He may not be going to going to do all kinds of debauchery and sin, but you're still dead on the inside. In that verse he tells that church to strengthen what remains. That that is a prayer that I said over and over again through this past years. God, my faith is low, but I need you to strengthen what remains. Keep on helping me until I'm back to where I was. I know you exist this time. This foundation still stands for this temple foundation still here. I just need you to build upon it. The flame is still lit. I just need you to fan it. I think it's Galatians 6 and 9. It says don't grow weary and doing good. I may be wrong there. I know for me, another verse that helped me get through it was Psalms 34 and 18 and it said God is close to the broken hearted. He rescues those whose spirits were crushed. And let me tell you how I read that a few times while I was in these intense emotions and I didn't believe it. I seen the words, they're on paper. They're in the book that I know is real. But where was he? But I kept reading it. I kept reading it and I kept asking, strengthen what's what remains? And when you find yourself in these seasons, in these seasons you got to, you can't just ignore these difficult feelings. God can handle the ugly. God can handle all of you. He don't need just your praise. He loves your praise. Don't get me wrong, he but he needs to know the real you. He needs to know when you're hurting. He cares even if you're mad at him, he still cares, still cares. And when you feel these feelings and you're angry at God want you can't just let your mindset be of giving up. You can't even Job's wife didn't give up and she told Job to curse his wife and die. So even though God might be silent in your life right now, even though you feel like you're mad at him, you hate him. You need him the most to show up right now, if he really cared. And where is he at? I'm telling you, it might. It might take some time. It took me a long time, but I never lost my way. I still knew he was real. I held on. I still loved him. I was mad at him. I told God I'm mad at you. I love you, but I'm ticked off at you. I'm telling you right now from experience, if you just hold on and and still love him and keep trying, keep trying, that failed relationship can be rebuilt. He will strengthen what remains, but you have to put yourself in positions to do so. You have to go to church. You have to surround yourself around Christ loving people. You have to pick up the Bible every now and then. You have to. Even when people are talking about Jesus and you want to roll your eyes and walk away, you have to sit there and just soak it in because running from them ain't going to do it. You can do it for a season but it don't help. I hope anything I've said resonates with you. I hope it helps you. But I'm telling you now, just a few weeks ago I felt betrayed style still feeling over. Over the past year the feelings have started going down. I'm starting to trust him more and more. I'm starting to see him now my my blinders have been opened up and I can just see when I thought he was silent when disciples thought he was silent on the boat, When? When Martha thought he was silent, When when Lazarus died, No, no, he wasn't silent. He is waiting to the right opportunity, to the right time, for the right purpose, to mold you, shape you, shape his destiny, shape His will, his course. I can look back now on this, this past year, the past five years, and I see God every step of the way. It's almost like if I, if I'm looking in third person at myself as I'm walking through the storm, I can see his hand on my shoulder saying, we're going to get through this bud, we got this. I'm holding you and I'm carrying you like that. That old time picture of the two footprints in the sand. If you've never seen it, Google it. Jesus, 2 footprints in the sand. So beautiful, beautiful picture. That's really what this walk with God's like. Thank you for all for listening to my heart. And I think I've rambled enough and God bless each and every one of you. And I pray if you're going through a difficult time, you just hold, hold on.